Codependent no more codependent no more pdf free download

Page 25 The counselor dug deeper. Patty mentioned her father had attended Alcoholics Anonymous since she was a teenager. But his drinking years were some pretty crazy years for our family. The entire family had been affected by the family disease of alcoholism.

Her dad stopped drinking; her mother went to Al-Anon; family life improved. But Patty, too, had been affected. Was she expected to magically overcome the ways she had been affected, just because the drinking stopped? Instead of additional counseling sessions, Patty's counselor referred Patty to a self-esteem course and an assertiveness class.

Patty followed the counselor's advice. She became more tolerant of herself and her daily routine. Gradually, her depression lifted. She cried less and laughed more. Her energy and enthusiasm for life returned. Incidentally, with no prodding from Patty, her husband joined Alcoholics Anonymous. He became less hostile, and their marriage began to improve. The point here is Patty gained control of her life. Her life started working. Now, if you ask Patty what her problem is or was, she will answer: "I'm codependent.

Clients who seek help from mental health and chemical dependency agencies are not the only people who suffer from codependency. Page 26 several years of sobriety when he found himself having troubles. Randell was also an adult child of an alcoholic; his father and three brothers were alcoholics. An intelligent, sensitive man who enjoyed his work, Randell's problem was his leisure time.

He spent most of it worrying aboutobsessed withother people and their problems. Sometimes he tried to untangle messes alcoholics created; other times he felt angry with the alcoholics for creating the messes he felt obligated to clean up; sometimes he felt upset because people, not necessarily alcoholics, behaved in particular ways.

He ranted, felt guilty, sorry, and used by people. Rarely, however, did he feel close to them. Rarely did he have fun. For many years, Randell believed his duty was to worry about people and get involved in their problems.

He called his behavior kindness, concern, love, and, sometimes, righteous indignation. Now, after getting help for his problem, he calls it codependency.

Sometimes, codependent behavior becomes inextricably entangled with being a good wife, mother, husband, brother, or Christian. Now in her forties, Marlyss is an attractive womanwhen she takes care of herself. Most of the time, however, she's busy taking care of her five children and her husband, who is a recovering alcoholic. She devoted her life to making them happy, but she didn't succeed.

Usually, she feels angry and unappreciated for her efforts, and her family feels angry at her. She has sex with her husband whenever he wants, regardless of how she feels. She spends too much of the family's budget on toys and clothing for the childrenwhatever they want. She chauffeurs, reads to, cooks for, cleans for, cuddles, and coddles those around her, but nobody gives to her. Most of the time, they don't even say, ''Thank you. She resents how her family and their needs control her life.

She chose nursing as her profession, and she often resents that. I feel guilty when I don't live up to my standards for a wife and mother. I feel guilty when I don't live up to other people's standards for me. Page 27 guilty," she said. Or could it mean Marlyss is codependent? Alissa, the mother of two teenagers, worked part-time at a mental health organization when she went to a family counselor.

She had previously gone to many family counselors in her search for help. She went to counseling because her oldest child, a fourteen-year-old boy, was constantly causing problems.

He ran away, broke curfew, skipped school, disobeyed other family rules, and generally did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. She was worried sick. Some days she was so depressed and troubled she couldn't get out of bed. Alissa had tried everything she could think of to help this child. She'd placed him in treatment three times, put him in two different foster homes, and dragged the whole family from counselor to counselor.

Alissa had tried other techniques, too: She had threatened, cried, hollered, and begged. She had gotten tough and called the police on him. She had tried gentleness and forgiveness. She even tried acting like he hadn't done the inappropriate things he had done. She had locked him out. And she had traveled halfway across the state to bring him home after he ran away. Although her efforts hadn't helped her child, Alissa was obsessed with finding and doing the one thing that would "make him see the errors of his ways" and help him change.

He's running and ruining my life! But the counselor also said the problem didn't have to run and ruin Alissa's life. Page 28 "You haven't been able to control your son, but you can gain control of yourself," he said.

Sheryl also labels herself codependent. Shortly after marrying the man of her dreams, she found herself in a nightmare. Her husband, she learned, was a sex addict.

In his case, that meant he couldn't control his urges to indulge in pornography, he was compulsively drawn into affairs with other women, and as Sheryl put it, "God only knows what and who else.

Sheryl's first response was panic. Then she got angry. Then she felt concernfor her husband and his problem. Her friends advised her to leave him, but she decided to stay in the marriage. He needed help. He needed her. Maybe he would change.

Besides, she wasn't ready to lose her dream of that rosy future they would have together. She didn't want to go public with her problem; she didn't even want to discuss it privately.

Over a period of months, Sheryl, a successful fashion model, found herself accepting fewer work assignments, turning down evenings out with friends, and sticking closer to home. She wanted to answer the telephone, in case women called for her husband. She wanted to be home to see her husband when he left the house and returned. She wanted to see what he looked like, how he acted, and how he talked. She wanted to know exactly what he was doing and with whom he was doing it.

She often called his S. She refused, she said, to be tricked and deceived again. Gradually, she alienated herself from her friends and activities. She was too worried to work; she was too ashamed to talk to her friends.

I had nothing but contempt for him. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to leave him," Sheryl reported later. I was running through the house screaming and raving, when I suddenly became aware, for the first time, of me. I had gone mad. I was crazycompletely out of controland he just stood there, calmly looking at me.

I knew then I had to do something to get help for me. It was at those meetings that she began to label herself and her loss of control as codependency. Sheryl is now separated from her husband and seeking a divorce. She is also feeling better about herself. Although the preceding examples have been dramatic, codependency doesn't necessarily have to be so intense. And it doesn't always involve experiences with deeply troubled people.

Kristen is married, has two young children, and knows of no alcoholism or compulsive disorders in her immediate or extended family. Yet, she calls herself codependent. Her problem, she says, is that other people's moods control her emotions; she, in turn, tries to control their feelings. If he's upset, I feel responsible for that, too. I'm anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better.

I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if I can't. And he gets angry with me for trying. Somehow, I just seem to lose myself in other people. I get enmeshed in them. Page 30 "I'd like to do something about itthis thing called codependencybefore it gets any worse. I'm not terribly unhappy," she said, "but I'd like to learn how to relax and start enjoying myself and other people.

I chose the preceding examples because they're interesting and represent a variety of experiences. They also illuminate a point that needs to be made: No single example illustrates the typical codependent or his or her experience.

Codependency is complex. People are complex. Each person is unique, and each person's situation is different. Some people have extremely painful and debilitating experiences with codependency. Others don't and may be only mildly affected. Sometimes codependency is a person's response to another person's alcoholism; sometimes it isn't.

Each codependent has a unique experience born from his or her circumstances, history, and personality. Yet, a common thread runs through all stories of codependency. It involves our responses and reactions to people around us. It involves our relationships with other people, whether they are alcoholics, gamblers, sex addicts, overeaters, or normal people. Codependency involves the effects these people have on us and how we, in turn, try to affect them.

As Al-Anon members say, "Identify, don't compare. Activity 1. Did you identify with any people in this chapter? What helped you think of yourself? You might find it helpful to buy a large notebook and record your responses to these activities. You can also write down other thoughts and feelings you have as you read this book. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death. However, the definitions of these words remain vague. Overeating and gambling are also words that bring specific ideas to mind.

But what is codependency? The obvious definition would be: being a partner in dependency. This definition is close to the truth but still unclear. It brings no specific image to mind. Codependency is part of treatment center jargon, professional slang that's probably unintelligible to people outside that profession and gibberish to some inside the trade.

Jargon may or may not mean anything in particular. Jargon may mean different things to different people. Or, people may sense what a term means but not be able to clearly define it, because it's never been clearly defined. Those are some of the problems I've encountered with researching and attempting to define codependency and codependent. Many people haven't heard the terms. Page 32 define them.

If they can, each definition is different. Or people define the words by using more jargon. To complicate matters, I can't find the words in any dictionaries. My computer keeps tagging the words as misspelled, trying to convince me they're not words. Yet, codependency does mean something in particular, something particularly important to me and millions of people. Let's get rid of the jargon and look at that meaning.

What's Codependency? I have heard and read many definitions of codependency. In an article from the book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, Robert Subby wrote codependency is: "An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rulesrules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.

It means I know any man I'm attracted to, fall in love with, or marry will be chemically dependent or have some other equally serious problem. Or both.

Page 33 There are almost as many definitions of codependency as there are experiences that represent it. In desperation or perhaps enlightenment , some therapists have proclaimed: "Codependency is anything, and everyone is codependent. Which definition is accurate? A brief history of codependency will help answer this question.

A Brief History The word codependency appeared on the treatment scene in the late seventies. I don't know who discovered it. Although several people may claim to have done so, the word emerged simultaneously in several different treatment centers in Minnesota, according to information from the office of Sondra Smalley, C. Maybe Minnesota, the heartland of chemical dependency treatment and Twelve Step programs for compulsive disorders, discovered it.

Robert Subby and John Friel, in an article from the book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, wrote: "Originally, it was used to describe the person or persons whose lives were affected as a result of their being involved with someone who was chemically dependent.

The codependent spouse or child or lover of someone who was chemically dependent was seen as having developed a pattern of coping with life that was not healthy, as a reaction to someone else's drug or alcohol abuse. Professionals had long suspected something peculiar happened to people who were closely involved with chemically dependent people.

Some research had been done on the subject, indicating a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual condition similar to alcoholism seemed to appear in many nonalcoholic or non- chemically dependent people who were close to an alcoholic.

Words more jargon which would later become synonymous for codependent surfaced to describe this phenomenon: co-alcoholic, nonalcoholic, para-alcoholic. Codependents certainly felt the effects of codependency long before the word was coined. Page 34 mous, a group of peopleprimarily wives of alcoholicsformed self-help, support groups to deal with the ways their spouses' alcoholism affected them. They did know they had been directly affected by their mates' alcoholism.

And, they were envious that alcoholics had a Twelve Step program to recover through. The wives also wanted a program. So they used the A. Twelve Step program, revised the A. Twelve Traditions, changed its name to Al-Anon, and it worked! Millions of people have since benefited from Al- Anon. Professionals began to better understand the effects of the chemically dependent person on the family, and the effects of the family on the chemically dependent person.

Professionals began to identify other problems such as overeating and undereating, gambling, and certain sexual behaviors. These compulsive disorders paralleled the compulsive disorder, or illness, of alcoholism.

Professionals also began to notice many people in close relationships with these compulsive people developed patterns of reacting and coping that resembled the coping patterns of people in relationships with alcoholics.

Something peculiar had happened to these families, too. As professionals began to understand codependency better, more groups of people appeared to have it: adult children of alcoholics; people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed persons; people in relationships with chronically ill people; parents of children with behavior problems; people in relationships with irresponsible people; professionalsnurses, social workers, and others in "helping" occupations.

Even recovering alcoholics and addicts noticed they were codependent and perhaps had been long before becoming chemically dependent. Page 35 When a codependent discontinued his or her relationship with a troubled person, the codependent frequently sought another troubled person and repeated the codependent behaviors with that new person.

These behaviors, or coping mechanisms, seemed to prevail throughout the codependent's lifeif that person didn't change these behaviors. Was it safe to assume codependency was triggered through relationships with people who have serious illnesses, behavior problems, or destructive compulsive disorders? Alcoholism in the family helped create codependency, but many other circumstances seemed to produce it, also. One fairly common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people.

But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too. Now, I return to an earlier question: Which definition of codependency is accurate? They all are. Some describe the cause, some the effects, some the overall condition, some the symptoms, some the patterns, and some the pain.

Codependency either meant, or has come to mean, all the definitions listed earlier. I'm not trying to confuse you. Codependency has a fuzzy definition because it is a gray, fuzzy condition. It is complex, theoretical, and difficult to completely define in one or two sentences. Why all this fuss about a definition?

Because I'm going to attempt the difficultdefine codependent in one sentence. And, I want you to see the broader picture before I show you the narrower one. I hope this approach might help you identify codependency in yourself, if that identification is appropriate. Page 36 helps determine the solution. Here, the solution is vital. It means feeling better. It means recovery. So, here is my definition of a codependent: A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

The other person might be a child, an adult, a lover, a spouse, a brother, a sister, a grandparent, a parent, a client, or a best friend. But, the heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the other personno matter how much we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive ''helping," caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt, peculiar dependency on peculiar people, attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.

Is codependency an illness? Some professionals say codependency isn't a disease; they say it's a normal reaction to abnormal people. They suggest codependents want and need sick people around them to be happy in an unhealthy way.

They say, for instance, the wife of an alcoholic needed to marry an alcoholic and chose him because she unconsciously thought he was an alcoholic. Furthermore, she needed him drinking and socking it to her to feel fulfilled. This latter judgment may be overly harsh. I'm convinced codependents need less harshness in their lives. Other people have been hard enough on us. We have been hard enough on ourselves.

Page 37 suffered enough. We have been victimized by diseases and people. Each of us must decide what part we played in our victimization. I don't know if codependency is or isn't an illness. I'm not an expert. But, to tell you what I believe, let me complete the brief history of codependency which I started earlier in this chapter.

Although the first Al-Anon groups were formed in the s, I am certain we could go back to the beginning of time and human relationships and find glimmers of codependent behavior. People have always had problems, and others have always cared for their troubled friends and relatives. People have likely been caught up with the problems of others since relationships began. Codependency probably trailed man as he struggled through the remaining B.

Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label "codependent. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed.

They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any.

They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk. Codependents have undoubtedly done good deeds too. By their nature, codependents are benevolentconcerned about and responsive to the needs of the world. As Thomas Wright writes in an article from the book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, "I suspect codependents have historically attacked social injustice and fought for the rights of the underdog.

Codependents want to help. I suspect they have helped. But they probably died thinking they didn't do enough and were feeling guilty. Page 38 around us. As a problem becomes more serious and remains unresolved, we become more affected and react more intensely to it. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame of reference you choose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process.

Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. Many codependent reactions are reactions to stress and uncertainty of living or growing up with alcoholism and other problems.

It is normal to react to stress. It is not necessarily abnormal, but it is heroic and lifesaving to learn how to not react and to act in more healthy ways. Most of us, however, need help to learn to do that. Perhaps one reason some professionals call codependency a disease is because many codependents are reacting to an illness such as alcoholism.

Another reason codependency is called a disease is because it is progressive. As the people around us become sicker, we may begin to react more intensely. What began as a little concern may trigger isolation, depression, emotional or physical illness, or suicidal fantasies. One thing leads to another, and things get worse.

Codependency may not be an illness, but it can make you sick. And, it can help the people around you stay sick. Another reason codependency is called a disease is because codependent behaviorslike many self-destructive behaviorsbecome habitual. We repeat habits without thinking. Habits take on a life of their own.

Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves.

These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships, relationships that don't work. Page 39 have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our livesourselves.

These behaviors belong to the only person each of us can controlthe only person we can changeourselves. These are our problems. In the next chapter, we will examine these behaviors. How would you define codependency?

Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Write several paragraphs about that person and your relationship. Later, read what you wrote. What are your feelings? The Serenity Prayer Although two codependents might disagree on the definition of codependency, if they discuss the issues with each other, each will probably sense what the other person means. They will share ideas about things they have in commonthings they do, think, feel, and saythat are characteristic of codependency.

These points dictate recovery. They are the things we need to recognize, accept, live with, deal with, struggle through, and frequently change. Before I list the things codependents tend to do, however, I will make an important point: Having these problems does not mean we're bad, defective, or inferior.

Some of us learned these behaviors as children. Other people learned them later in life. We may have learned some of these things from our interpretation of religion. Some women were taught these behaviors were desirable feminine attributes. Wherever we learned to do these things, most of us learned our lessons well. Most of us started doing these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs.

Page 42 to surviveemotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. We tried to understand and cope with our complex worlds in the best ways. It is not always easy to live with normal, healthy people. It is particularly difficult to live with sick, disturbed, or troubled people.

It is horrible having to live with a raving alcoholic. Many of us have been trying to cope with outrageous circumstances, and these efforts have been both admirable and heroic. We have done the best we could. However, these self-protective devices may have outgrown their usefulness.

Sometimes, the things we do to protect ourselves turn on us and hurt us. They become self-destructive. Many codependents are barely surviving, and most aren't getting their needs met. As counselor Scott Egleston says, codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn't get needs met. We've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons. Can we change? Can we learn healthier behaviors? I don't know if mental, spiritual, and emotional health can be taught, but we can be inspired and encouraged.

We can learn to do things differently. We can change. I think most people want to be healthy and live the best lives they can. But many of us don't know it's okay to do things differently. Many of us don't even understand what we've been doing that hasn't been working. Most of us have been so busy responding to other people's problems that we haven't had time to identify, much less take care of, our own problems.

Many professionals say the first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. These characteristics have been compiled from my entire bibliography and from my personal and professional experience.

Weak Boundaries Codependents frequently. Page 53 The preceding checklist is long but not all-inclusive. Like other people, codependents do, feel, and think many things. There are not a certain number of traits that guarantees whether a person is or isn't codependent.

Each person is different; each person has his or her way of doing things. I'm just trying to paint a picture. The interpretation, or decision, is up to you. What's most important is that you first identify behaviors or areas that cause you problems, and then decide what you want to do.

At the end of Chapter Three, I asked you to define codependency. As Earnie Larsen says, if you defined your problem as, ''living with an alcoholic,'' you may think not living with an alcoholic is the solution to your problem.

That may be partially correct. But our real problems as codependents are our own characteristicsour codependent behaviors. Who's codependent?

An estimated 80 million people are chemically dependent or in a relationship with someone who is. People who love, care about, or work with troubled people may be codependent. People who care about people with eating disorders are probably codependent.

In her book, Fat Is a Family Affair, Judi Hollis wrote that one eating disorder person can keep fifteen to twenty codependents busy. Or, you may be reading this book to help someone else; if so, you probably are codependent.

If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent--and you may find yourself in this book--Codependent No More. With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests, Codependent No More is a simple, straightforward, readable map of the perplexing world of codependency--charting the path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness.

If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life. Discusses codependency and contains real-life examples, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests designed to help people overcome their codependency. In a crisis, it's easy to revert to old patterns. Caring for your well-being during the coronavirus pandemic includes maintaining healthy boundaries and saying no to unhealthy relationships.

The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding.

This highly anticipated workbook will help readers put the principles from Melody Beattie's international best seller Codependent No More into action in their own lives. In simple, straightforward terms, Beattie takes you into the territory beyond codependency, into the realm of recovery and relapse, family-of-origin work and relationships, surrender and spirituality. You're learning to let go, to live your life free of the grip of someone else's problems.

And yet you find you've just started. Now a modern classic, this book established Beattie as a pioneer in self-help literature and endeared her to millions of readers who longed for healthier relationships. Twenty-five years later concepts such as self-care and setting boundaries have.

Written for those of us who struggle with codependency, these daily meditations offer growth and renewal, and remind us that the best thing we can do is take responsibility for our own self-care.

Melody Beattie integrates her own life experiences and fundamental recovery reflections in this unique daily meditation book. Download Here. Because you cannot find all books online for free. It is advised to read it promptly. You can also find other related books about finding yourself and happiness books. Similar books in the same genre and many other numerous books on our website. I highly recommend this book to anyone willing to be happy with who they are and not who people think they are.

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